Thursday, March 22, 2012

Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs are making my ass fat

It’s that time of year again!!!  Yup, you guessed it… It’s Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg Season!

An Angel... and Devil.
Every year, Reese’s releases these delicious chocolate and peanut butter treats… And every year, I gain 5 lbs just looking at them.  I can’t help myself.  I love them, and I will tear them to shreds.  In my mouth.

The Secret is the 3 to 1 Peanut Butter to Chocolate ratio... and magic.
The chocolate to peanut butter ratio in these scrumptious eggs are so perfect that they must have been sent down directly from the Gods above.  I take one bite and I am magically transported to a field full of zombie prey.  Just me, my samurai sword and sawed off shot gun.  The sweet smell of spring mixed with some zombie death fills the air as the sun warms my skin… SIGH… Perfection.  And when a little bit melted, excess chocolate gets on my fingers, providing an extra special treat at the end of the snack?  I mean… Jesus H. Christ.  Is there a better candy?  The answer is NO.

We all have our own image of Valhalla. Mine involves the Zombie Apocalypse, a sword & an unlimited supply of both ammo & peanut butter eggs.

Last night I noticed that we only had one left.  So I did the sensible thing.  I hid that motherfucker so no one could eat it but me.  It was delicious.  And since there was treachery involved, it made it THAT much sweeter.

You may be asking yourself, “Valerie, why the hell do you buy them if you can’t control yourself around them??  Do you really need a fatter ass?!”  To which I would answer.. BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE THEM!!!  AND MY FAT ASS!!! STOP JUDGING ME!!!  Also, every year I find an excuse to buy them.  Actually, it’s the main reason I had kids.  Last year, my husband and I finished off a whole 6 pack with a glass of milk.  Then we had 2 more.  Each.  In the end, there were only 4 left, 2 for each kid.  Then I ate the rest of them on Easter whilst the kids were looking for eggs… I blamed the Easter Bunny and his obvious chocolate addiction.  God damn rabbits.

You can almost see the chocolate smeared on his face... & blood.
It always starts out the same.  I tell myself, “I only need one.. just one to make it through the day.”   Then, I think “Ok.. Just ONE more!!  Because I am TOTALLY going to work out tonight!”  Then I am fine. I can stop.  I don’t need anymore.  I’m full anyway.  That’s when I hear them… calling me…

"V" is for "VALERIE COME EAT US!!!!"
Next thing I know, I’ve eaten the whole lot of them.  And Eddie is trying to get me down off my sugar high whilst I run around the house in my underwear brandishing a plastic sword at the zombies that could be taking over the world at any minute.   

Tale as old as time, my friends... God help us all.


  1. Awesome! I haven't succumbed to the temptation yet, but they are too damn hard to resist!! That's it! Going shopping tonight for those blasted eggs!

    1. You deserve to treat yourself!!! I actually need to buy more. I ate a dozen in less than a week. I CANT HELP IT!!!