Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Mind Fuck that is The Platypus

The Magnificent Platypus is often overlooked. I am not sure as to why. I think it may be because, much like the sun, it is almost too glorious to gaze upon. 

The Platypus is only found in Australia, which screams awesome right off the bat. He cares not for any other place. Unlike many other species of animals that sell out so quickly to the advertisers to become fame whores, this majestic creature stays put on the eastern side of Australia. In fact, he is so bad ass that he shares the region of Tasmania with the almost equally bad ass Tasmanian Devil. Very few animals dare to challenge such a ferocious animal. I believe the only two ever recorded to do so are the Platypus and, of course, Bugs Bunny.
Platypus!! Fuck Yea! Here to save the motherfucking day!

Did you know that the Platypus is venomous? No, you probably didn't. I’ll give you a moment to let that settle in... ... ... ... ... The male has a fang like apparatus located on each hind leg. They are called spurs. I believe they are called this because part of the dna combination that went into the making of this animal was Cowboy. It is a little known fact that when you mix the makings of a Cowboy along with a cobra, you get a venomous spur on a foot. This would explain why only the male is venomous and also where this venom is located. Unfortunately, the Platypus was created before women’s liberation brought us the invention of the Cowgirl. Although very sad, recent groups of activists are working hard to rectify this injustice as soon as possible. If you would like to donate money to this gracious cause, please visit their website. 

Damn Straight.

The bizarre appearance of the platypus has shocked people since its discovery in 1798. Once considered a hoax, the Mighty Platypus rose above much racism to be worshiped as a God by some. Small tribes scattered throughout Australia continue to worship this magnificent specimen of mammal. A mix of duck, otter, snake, Cowboy, reptile, and beaver, the platypus is, indeed, a sight to see. In my recent interview with one of these infamous animals, I was amazed to see that, unbeknownst to many, the platypus actually has a glowing aura type beam that surrounds itself. Because of its god-like status, this beam can not be caught on film. 

He knows he's adorable... and deadly.

The mating ritual of the Platypus has rarely been seen. Living alone for most of their lives, they are known to congregate during the summer for their highly secretive mating rituals. Being a close friend, I was allowed to attend one of these mysterious pastimes last summer. Although I took a blood oath not to discuss this, I can say that it was as strange as it was spectacular; and, to this day, I still don’t know where they obtained that many feathers and tubes of KY lubricant. However, I am allowed to say that not only are the platypuses’ eggs amazing, they are also bedazzled by the parents within 32 hours of being laid in what has come to be known as the Ancient Ritual of Splendor. 

Behold the splendor.

I could go on for days about the Platypus, but we need to leave some of its magnificence to the imagination, or it would end up being as mysterious as your typical housecat. I hope that this thesis helps you understand the brilliance that is the Platypus. Please go forward and love and accept the Mighty Platypus as he loves and accepts all of us.. 

Love and accept the Mighty Platypus as he loves and accepts all of us..

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Monday wants to eat your soul...

No person in their right mind likes Mondays...  Not unless you love your job that is.  And, being an office worker, I do NOT!  Monday means me sitting in a box all day, not seeing the light of day, listening to idiots complain about crap, watching the clock mark the hours of my life wasted away.  But, just because we are miserable, we shouldn't give Monday the satisfaction of winning.  I've decided that if we let Monday win, it will eat our happiness and our souls.  It's what it wants... It's the reason for it being here. 

Optimists see this as chocolate.  Pessimists see poo. 

Monday is like a dog that keeps on coming back because you leave food on your doorstep.  You feel bad for it.  But, unlike the adorableness of a dog, Monday is really like that alien in The Thing.  You think you're saving a dog, but really there's a disgusting mutant life-form that will grow tentacles and eat all your friends.  Then It will shape-shift to look just like you.  It will take over your life.  WE MUST NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!!! STAY TOGETHER! SLEEP IN SHIFTS!!!  Remember... if you let Monday eat your soul... THE TERRORISTS WIN!!

Monday...  It will eat you alive in your sleep.

So, instead...  Here is a picture of a taxidermied bear I saw with a friend on the parkway this weekend.  Yes, it's tied to the back of a pickup truck going 80 mph down the highway.  And yes...  yes that is a twinkle in its eye.  I like to think of the tarp as a cape.  He's a fucking superhero!

I can Fly, Motherfuckers!!!  I'm living the dream!!

Hold on to the dream that is Friday... We will get through this together.



Thursday, February 23, 2012

The secuity guard is already dead... And you're next.


So... The other day, I almost got killed in an underground parking lot.  Well, not really.  But, the fear was there.  Let me start off by saying that my grocery store has a freaky underground parking area.  Basically, its only a matter of time before someone dies down there.  I know, as a woman who frequents there often, that I should probably park up top in the sunshine and creeper-free zone.  But, unfortunately, that's where all the assholes park. 

The last time I parked up there was a horrid experience that still hits me like a 'Nam flashback.  All I'm saying is don't try to take my fucking parking spot when I'm waiting there with my blinker on.  Or, much like a virgin on prom night, you'll pay a hefty price.

 Nah, bro... I totally got this.

So, now that we have the preface out of the way...  I went to my usual shop to get some Italian bread for dinner.  In the ride up on the elevator, I became eye candy to a weirder than usual person.  I attract weirdos.  I know this because I am one, and I think we can smell our own.  But this particular gentleman decidedly to openly stare at my legs.  When I looked at him in my "you-had-better-quite-that-or-I'll-shank-you" kind of way, he promptly said, "Those look like really comfortable shoes."  That's when I knew that I was either talking to Forrest Gump, or a serial killer.

Don't act like these aren't the most awesome shoes ever.

I promptly exited the elevator, procured my delicious bread and made it back to the lower parking deck in record time.  That's when I noticed the lit cigarette next to my car.  I went to step on it and suddenly stopped.  I noticed that the security booth had been abandoned.  My horror-movie-survivor-girl personality kicked in.  

He's dead, Jim.

I knew then that the security guard had already been killed in a most brutal fashion, and that he would appear in the last 20 minutes of the movie (gutted like a fish) whilst I was trying to escape.  I removed the Italian bread from my bag, preparing to give the killer who was surely hiding somewhere in the vicinity an ass-whooping.  I also wished to the Gods that I had bought something canned and/or did not leave my awesome pink scorpion knife in the car.

Any of these items would have been more helpful.
 I circled my car, Bubbles, checking out all possible hiding places... The back seat. The SUV trunk.  Under the car.  They were all clear.  My second ninja-like loop around the car was when I felt the eyes on me.  I was being watched... by the security guard... who wasn't dead.  In fact, he was very much alive... and staring at me in stunned silence...


In a moment of utter shock and dismay, I threw my Italian bread clad arm into the air and yelled "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!!"  The look on that poor confused man will stay with for the rest of my life.  I dove into my car and sped off into the night...You live to see another day, Mr. Security Guard.  Good for you, Motherfucker... Good for you...

Today you live, bitch... Tomorrow? Who knows.



Tuesday, February 21, 2012

This Spuds for you

           Valerie & myself set out on what seemed to be a normal trip to the store (to get lime juice for maragritas, nosey). On our way we past a house that had a garbage pickers delight set up curb side. Just as we pass this house I scream, "Whoa, was that a framed Spuds Mackenzie poster".  Val slammed on the brakes, it was.
           She put the car in reverse, I hopped out & grabbed the poster. It was in such great shape I forgot how long its been since Spud had graced our television screens. After the poster & i got back into the car. Val took off like we stole it. Because, lets face it, its more fun that way.
this is not said poster
          Well this got me thinking about Spuds. I was seven when Spuds hit the small screen and I've never been  fan of bud (i like good beer). I didn't know much about the dog, the myth, the legend. So turned to google to find out. What I found was surprising. Spuds was a he played by a she.   
            She had the greatest name ever. Honey Tree Evil Eye, born on October 7, 1983.

      What was Budweiser thinking? All those pictures of Spuds with the ladies, at parties in boy dog clothes!! Imagine how adorable it could have been if Spuds was a girl. The Barbie dog of beer. Were they afraid men would take this to mean Bud was a "girl beer"? Probably, if you make a beer that tastes like water you can't have much common sense.

this is said poster

    Honey Tree Evil Eye died on May 31, 1993. This year on the anniversary of her death, N.V. shall unveil a poster to commemorate Honey Tree Evil Eye. Not that we don't love the character of Spuds Mackenzie. But Spuds gets all the spotlight. He has been mentioned in songs, comics, and cartoons. People looking for english bull terriers google "the Spuds Mackenzie dog" Honey Tree did her job & she did it well. What if  Gypsy Rose Lee was known as "that girl who danced"? No, Honey Tree Evil Eye deserves her day in the sun. After all, she got people to drink Bud.

Whats the difference between bud & having sex in a canoe? Beats me, they're both fucking close to water.


Monday, February 20, 2012

If you were a lemon, I'd put you on my shelf and cherish you...

Dear All the People Who Have to Return to Work Tomorrow,

Because our friend Sean Parker loved us enough to give the smiles to us today, we decided to pass the love along to you.  Remember...  Shit could always be worse.  At least whores aren't stealing your lemons. 


Valerie & Nicole

Friday, February 17, 2012

Dear Governor Christie,

Dear Governor Christie,

      I am writing this letter to tell you, you've really pissed me off. A bill to legalize gay marriage landed on your desk this morning. A bill approved by the New Jersey State Senate 42-33. You vetoed it.
     What were you thinking? Do you believe that New Jersey residents who pay taxes, own business and contribute to their communities are not entitled to something because they are homosexual? Because that is the message you have sent loud and clear. I think it is disgraceful, disgusting and in short, a pretty crappy move.
     How is it that citizens of this country can be denied rights because of who they love? Love, is a wonderful thing. It an is uplifting and joyful experience. With so much hate in this world, with  terrible things that happen everyday ( your decision included). How can you deny American citizens their right?
    Last time I checked there was a thing call "separation of church and state". We are not asking you to have churches marry homosexual couples. We are asking the state to recognize a union of two people who are so crazy about each other they want to make this commitment. To me, that doesn't seem so outlandish.
    What is outlandish is the red tape a couple who have been together for 25 years have to face when dealing with hospital visits, doctors records and insurance. As someone who has witnessed loved ones go through this grueling process, I cried when I heard your decision.And sir, I am not a cry-er.
    You say, you do things your way to benefit the people of New Jersey. Who exactly does this decision benefit? If you truly believed the dribble that comes out of your mouth you would not have vetoed that bill. You would respect and honour the Constitution. It was just last week prop 8 was considered unconstitutional. You are a disgrace to this state, your position, and to this image you try to portray.
     I will be throwing a party when your term is over. Just so you know it will be fun but you aren't invited. Doesn't feel good to be left out does it?


Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Weird (Yet Fascinating) World of Pony People

How's a girl to choose?!
A few years back, I caught an episode of Real Sex on HBO (which is a spectacular show by the way). I’m not really sure if it’s on anymore, but it should be. If not, shame on you, HBO!! It’s like Carnivale all over again…motherfuckers. Anyway, this episode featured the peculiarness of the Pony People. These are people who like to dress up as horses for sexual roll play. There were whips involved as well as butt plugs with tails coming out of the end. The submissive would be dressed as a horse whilst the partner saddled up and rode them around in a field. They even did “fox hunts”. Use your imagination. Yea… It’s fucking weird.
This is what we call a Mind-Fuck. Good luck sleeping tonight...
By the way, I just googled Pony People and amongst all the sex sites that came up, one site linked to an actual horse riding place. The picture on the site had a kid riding a pony…awkward!!! I kinda wanna email them to let them know. Then they’d be like “Holy shit!! That explains all the weird fuckers in the barn with tails coming out of their asses!!! I had to turn the hose on those assholes 3 times this week alone!!” Then I would get a free pass for horse riding lessons as a thank you. But it would have to be used on a Wednesday afternoon or some shit like that. Cheap jerks! YOU CAN KEEP YOU’RE GOD DAMN USELESS PASSES!!! THAT’S THE LAST TIME I PLAY GOOD SAMARITAN!!!
If he's riding his mom, I'm moving to France.
Where were we? Ahh yes… pony fuckers. Much like the fabled Unicorn, the world of pony play exists. Actually, the world of Unicorn Play might also exist. Hang on, I’ll google— HOLY SHIT!!!
Yea, that’s definitely going on the “Articles to write” list!!!
So. People who are into this either want to be a human pony or want to own one. It is a type of BDSM (Bondage & Discipline Sadomasochism) to use fancy terms. Please note that it has nothing to do with bestiality; it is a dominant/submissive relationship.
Suddenly, my office job doesn't seem so bad.
Apparently, there are 3 kinds of ponies: cart ponies, riding ponies, and show ponies. Cart ponies are exactly what they sound like. They pull wagons or carriages with people in them. They usually wear bit-bridles and harnesses. Riding ponies are ridden bare back or saddled up. They also can have bite-bridles and blinders as well. Some even have custom made saddles.
On a personal note… if I were a pony person carrying around some bitch on my back, that saddle better be custom! Pink AND bedazzled, baby!
Because I'm fucking worth it!!!
And the last group, my personal favorite… Show Ponies! These are people who are actually trained to compete in pony shows. They are trained by others to perform choreographed pony dances and such. (Note to self: Look into attending one of these shows. Smuggle camera in.)
The world of pony play comes with its own land of gear. From dildo tails to hoof shoes. These people think of it all! I’m not into this shit. It’s just not my thing. But I will rock the Fuck out of some pony shoes…
I'm just saying... I will rock the shit out of these shoes...



Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Nothing Says 'Happy Valentine's Day' Like Zombies in Bikinis

Happy Valentine's Day! Lets eat somebody's heart out... Literally..

Conversation between me & my husband last night:

Eddie: Are we celebrating Valentine's day this year?

Me: Uhhh... I guess so..

Eddie: Wanna go out for dinner this weekend? Just the two of us?

Me: OOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!! There's a Zombie Beauty Pageant this weekend!!! Lets go to that!!

Eddie: What is it with you and zombies?!?!?

Me: ..... Its.. Its like you don't even know me...

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!


Valerie & Nicole

Saturday, February 11, 2012

I cannot lie... I like Big Butts..

Why, Hollywood?!? Why??

These are words to LIVE by people!!!
Sir Mix-A-Lot Said it best..

I like big butts and I can not lie

You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up tough
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got
Make Me so horny
Ooh, rump of smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my benz
Well use me use me cuz you aint that average groupy

I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's Sweat,Wet, got it goin like a turbo vette

I'm tired of magazines
Saying flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back

So Fellas (yeah) Fellas(yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the butt (hell yeah)
Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt
Baby got back

I like'em round and big
And when I'm throwin a gig
I just can't help myself
I'm actin like an animal
Now here's my scandal

I wanna get you home
And UH, double up UH UH
I aint talkin bout playboy
Cuz silicone parts were made for toys
I wannem real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mixalot's in trouble
Beggin for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Knockin these bimbos walkin like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sistas
I wanna get with ya
I won't cus or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna --
Til the break of dawn
Baby Got it goin on
Alot of pimps won't like this song
Cuz them punks lie to hit it and quit it
But I'd rather stay and play
Cuz I'm long and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on

So ladies (yeah), Ladies (yeah)
Do you wanna roll in my Mercedes (yeah)
Then turn around
Stick it out
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back

Yeah baby
When it comes to females
Cosmo ain't got nothin to do with my selection
Only if she's 5'3"

So your girlfriend throws a Honda
Playin workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that hard role
And tell you that the butt ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that
Cuz your waste is small and your curves are kickin
And I'm thinkin bout stickin
To the beanpole dames in the magazines
You aint it miss thing
Give me a sista I can't resist her
Red beans and rice did miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
Cuz his girls were on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And pulled up quick to get with 'em
So ladies if the butt is round
And you wanna triple X throw down
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT and kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back
Baby got back
Little in tha middle but she got much back
Little in tha middle but she got much back
Little in tha middle but she got much back
Little in tha middle but she got much back

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

How to Make a Human T-Rex... & other adventures in Rope Tying 101

You went to what class??

V: Western Rope Tying 101. It's a beginner’s bondage class. Because… you never know when you might need to hogtie a bitch.
N: That pretty much sums that up.

What were your first reactions to the environment (room, setup)?

V: It was possibly one of the most awesome rooms I have ever been in. There were cages hanging from the ceiling and there were straps and mirrors everywhere. I imagine that this is what the inside of Marilyn Manson’s house must look like. Well, either that or it’s filled with stuffed animals and pictures of kittens. Anyway... The room was quite amazing. Kinky and classy at the same time. I would much like to redesign my bedroom in this fashion.
N: I agree with Val. The room was beautiful. The bondage stuff hanging from the ceiling looked like art. Someone who knows nothing of bondage would think these objects were relics from the medieval era. The room was painted a rich purple with gold accents. Also the place was spotless. Even the floor was shimmering. As people walked in with wet snowy boots someone was behind them with a mop cleaning it up. The bathroom was immaculate.

Kittens and whips... Manson's next album..

Why did you take the class?

V: For fun! To learn something new! Because I REALLY like tying people up! Also, it’s a useful skill to have. Since.. you never know when you might need to secure an intruder using only a 15’ piece of nylon rope… LET A MOTHERFUCKER TRY TO ESCAPE ON MY WATCH!!!!
N: Because whenever Val calls & asks me to do something I always say yes. Even if I might die, or in this case get starved & tied up. Yes…they starved me. They forgot my bagel. Shit got ugly later on. The class was from 1:30 to 5:30.

How was the crowd of attendees?

V:Well… Umm… In one word… Weirdest-bunch-of-fuckers-I-have-ever-seen. Wow... There is truly nothing like people-watching in a Kinkster's class. You get it all there!! From the eccentric gay couple who start disrobing halfway thru the class... to the older couple moaning with pleasure next to us. Not to mention the rather robust lady wearing a t-shirt with kittens on it. Or the creepster dressed in head to toe denim with Looney tunes characters on his shirt. This class had it all! There was even a man who looked alarmingly like Uncle Fester wearing a shirt that said “Bondage Instructor: I’ll teach you the ropes”. And said shirt was tucked into jeans that were pulled up to his neck. He also volunteered for EVERY demonstration. As the instructor tied him up, he had the most horrifying smile on his face. I still have nightmares about that Cheshire grin… *shiver*
N: The “creepster dressed in head to toe denim with Looney tunes characters on his shirt” happened to be sitting next to me. He tried to touch my leg & I slapped his hand. I didn’t make any new friends.

That awkward moment you realize you didn't get the dress code memo..

Did you learn anything?

V: Lots! Not only can I successfully hogtie a bitch, but I can also tie an unsuspecting bystander up so that he can only hop around with frog tied legs… and I can tie his arms up so that he is much like a Tyrannosaurus Rex! Then I can set him free so that he can roam the neighborhood chasing cats and growling and roaring at the neighbors.. It’s a skill I've always wished to possess.
N: Well I feel I would be helpful if I ever found myself on a sailboat; because I now know how to properly fold & store rope without it kinking up or splitting. By the T Rex segment I was too hungry to function. Let alone tie someone up like a T Rex. I’m a rope class burnout.

What materials were needed?

V: For this class, we needed 2 – 15’ ropes and 2 – 30’ ropes. The instructor provided colorful nylon ropes for us to use. Her trunk was a rainbow of naughty goodness!! And they were also available for purchase. Some people (the hardcores) brought their own.
N: Oh snap! She did it again….she forgot BAGELS!!!!!

Is it different than the Boy Scouts?

V: I would say so… Especially since various religious views and homosexuality are not frowned upon…
N: Aside from the open minded views and the hot pink ropes…not really. In fact ladies, if you want to be tied up, date a man who used to be a boy scout. My bet is, he’s got this shit.

Can different types of materials be used?

V: Nylon and hemp ropes work best for this type of rope class.

Were there rules in the class?

V: Oh... Oh yes... No cell phones, cameras... uhh… Sodomy, Vaginal intercourse... And, most importantly, Absolutely NO fisting!!! Because, apparently, at some point… this was a real problem…
N: Also there was a rule “ask before touching”. Looney Toon man must have missed that one.

Rule #1 in Bondage Class: No Fisting!
Rule #2 in Bondage Class: NO FISTING EVER!!!

Does it hurt?

V: Not if you do it right. The main thing to remember during bondage is to maintain an open level of communication with your partner. When tying someone up, you should always ask if they are comfortable and if they feel any numbness or tingling in their limbs. You want the ropes to be tight enough to keep them where you want them, but not too tight where you'll end up having to make that awkward call to 911. Because, I assure you.. at some point that call will end up on youtube. And the last thing you want is to have to explain to friends and family how “although that person crying for help to the 911 operator sure sounds like you.. and oddly enough has the same name.. it is SOOOOO totally not me, Mom! I swear!”
N: The instructor was very informative about the safety aspect of rope play. She repeatedly said you should be able to fit two fingers under the rope when tying someone up. Also you are taught to make the knots in such a way where they will not loosen or tighten up. If either of those happens, you did it wrong.

What was the dress code?

V: Comfortable attire as you will be tying someone or will be tied yourself… But, FYI: Lots of denim and exposed man boobs were fair game too.
N: I’m sure there were a few chastity belts as well.

What is Western Rope Tying? What’s the difference?

V: In the Western variation, the tying is more about bonding the person. Whereas the Japanese bondage is more about the way the rope is applied. I found the following saying on the internet that helped me differentiate the two: “Western rope bondage is beautiful women that happen to be in ropes; Japanese rope bondage is beautiful rope that happens to be on a woman.”

How was the instructor?

V: Very friendly and knowledgeable. However, we were not really sure if she was an awkward woman, a teenage boy going through puberty, or someone in the middle of gender transformation… Either way, (s)he was pretty cool.
N: She was great! She constantly had the class at her attention. I really like how she kept stressing the safety factors. She was very friendly & didn’t look at you like a dumbass when you asked a question.

Is it something you would do again?

V: Hell yea it is!! In fact, we are currently looking into taking a Japanese style class as well as a more advanced Western class.
N: Only if I get a bagel. No, I’m not letting this die.

Nicole's Bagel did AWESOME in class.

Can you teach me how to tie???

V: I can teach you the basics… which is really all you need to know. The rest is creativity!!
N: Val is lying she can teach you to make a human T Rex. I can teach you how to give the stink eye to men wearing too much denim.

Grrrrrr.... Arrrgh...