Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Mind Fuck that is The Platypus

The Magnificent Platypus is often overlooked. I am not sure as to why. I think it may be because, much like the sun, it is almost too glorious to gaze upon. 

The Platypus is only found in Australia, which screams awesome right off the bat. He cares not for any other place. Unlike many other species of animals that sell out so quickly to the advertisers to become fame whores, this majestic creature stays put on the eastern side of Australia. In fact, he is so bad ass that he shares the region of Tasmania with the almost equally bad ass Tasmanian Devil. Very few animals dare to challenge such a ferocious animal. I believe the only two ever recorded to do so are the Platypus and, of course, Bugs Bunny.
Platypus!! Fuck Yea! Here to save the motherfucking day!

Did you know that the Platypus is venomous? No, you probably didn't. I’ll give you a moment to let that settle in... ... ... ... ... The male has a fang like apparatus located on each hind leg. They are called spurs. I believe they are called this because part of the dna combination that went into the making of this animal was Cowboy. It is a little known fact that when you mix the makings of a Cowboy along with a cobra, you get a venomous spur on a foot. This would explain why only the male is venomous and also where this venom is located. Unfortunately, the Platypus was created before women’s liberation brought us the invention of the Cowgirl. Although very sad, recent groups of activists are working hard to rectify this injustice as soon as possible. If you would like to donate money to this gracious cause, please visit their website. 

Damn Straight.

The bizarre appearance of the platypus has shocked people since its discovery in 1798. Once considered a hoax, the Mighty Platypus rose above much racism to be worshiped as a God by some. Small tribes scattered throughout Australia continue to worship this magnificent specimen of mammal. A mix of duck, otter, snake, Cowboy, reptile, and beaver, the platypus is, indeed, a sight to see. In my recent interview with one of these infamous animals, I was amazed to see that, unbeknownst to many, the platypus actually has a glowing aura type beam that surrounds itself. Because of its god-like status, this beam can not be caught on film. 

He knows he's adorable... and deadly.

The mating ritual of the Platypus has rarely been seen. Living alone for most of their lives, they are known to congregate during the summer for their highly secretive mating rituals. Being a close friend, I was allowed to attend one of these mysterious pastimes last summer. Although I took a blood oath not to discuss this, I can say that it was as strange as it was spectacular; and, to this day, I still don’t know where they obtained that many feathers and tubes of KY lubricant. However, I am allowed to say that not only are the platypuses’ eggs amazing, they are also bedazzled by the parents within 32 hours of being laid in what has come to be known as the Ancient Ritual of Splendor. 

Behold the splendor.

I could go on for days about the Platypus, but we need to leave some of its magnificence to the imagination, or it would end up being as mysterious as your typical housecat. I hope that this thesis helps you understand the brilliance that is the Platypus. Please go forward and love and accept the Mighty Platypus as he loves and accepts all of us.. 

Love and accept the Mighty Platypus as he loves and accepts all of us..


  1. That whole venemous thing puts Perry the Platypus (from the cartoon Phineas and Ferb) in a whole new light.

    Regardless, I love Perry very much! (and apparently have no shame in admitting I still watch one children's cartoon on occasion.)

    1. I truly believe that that venomous toe-thumb is the thing that helped Perry excel to becoming a top rated spy. Because.. WHO THE HELL WOULD SEE THAT COMING?! I wish to the Gods that I had one! I would rock flip flops 24/7! And when you combine that awesomeness with the roundhouse kick ability I would master, I would be unstoppable!!! Like Wolverine from X-Men... but with toes.

      I love kids shows!! It's hilarious. Sometimes my husband catches me watching them when the kids aren't even around. I'm all... "Hey man! A good show is a good show! DON'T JUDGE ME!!"

      A friend of mine bought me a Perry hat. Whenever I wear it, people throw their fists in the air and salute me. Like a king... :o)



  2. Best Title for a Blog Post. Ever.