Monday, April 30, 2012

Duck Junk

Duck dick is corkscrew shaped & can grow half its body length!!!!!!!! See, you don't want to keep reading but you are...this post is like a train wreck.


Yes it is true, this post is dedicated to the odd world of duck genitalia. You see on Saturday i was put in the strange situation of googling the words DUCK PENIS.  In Fairyland (AKA where i live) we have 3 ducks that wonder around.  Our neighbor told us he saw a worm come out of the ducks butt & go back in. You know typical neighbor conversation. I said "Maybe it was his penis". My neighbor replied, "if that was a penis he is the luckiest man alive" Can't make this stuff up.

Curiosity now had me in its cold arms. I went back inside & googled. What i found was so horrifying, interesting & really incredible i had to share it with all of you.

Duck Penis Fact # 1 : Those things get BIG! A duck dick can grow half it's body length depending on competition. If A male duck is surrounded by male ducks & has to compete for females, its penis will grow  15 to 25 percent longer then males who have no competitors. Interesting....

Duck Penis Fact # 2: It is shaped like a corkscrew. It spirals counter clockwise. I'm sorry there is no other way for me to do this. Because this picture shows examples of fact 1 & 2.

you will never look at a wine opener the same again. 

Ok.... now that we have come this far I am sure you are thinking exactly what I was thinking Saturday evening. What the hell is duck vagina like? Lucky for you my curiosity & I returned to google this time I searched Duck Vagina. Hows that for a Saturday night? Huh? Huh?

Well it turns out Duck Snatchie is even more interesting then Duck Peeshie.

Duck Vagina Fact # 1 : It too is spiraled but clockwise. The plot thickens. Don't worry, there will be pictures.

Duck Vagina Fact # 2:  The duck snatch has boobietraps to keep out unwanted sperm from duck rape. Part of that is the clockwise shape to the males counter clockwise dick. She really has to help him get it in. No, I am not joking this is a fact people.  If you have ever witnessed ducky sex, you already know it is pretty violent. Duck Rape is a common occurrence. The other boobietraps are dead ends known as lateral sacs. Researcher Patricia Brennan explains it best, "If the phallus were to enter one of these sacs, it would not progress further into the oviduct where it would deposit sperm more effectively." 

Who other then Patricia Brennan knew duck junk was so interesting? Now we all do. I will conclude this post with a side by side picture of male & female duckie parts. You're very welcome.

Snatchie on the left Dick on the right

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Fifty Shades of Naughty, Naughty Sex

Fifty Shades of Sexy Time!
I first heard about Fifty Shades of Grey from the lovely ladies at work.  And upon hearing that it was an erotica novel about bondage, I was immediately in! 

Where do I sign up?

For those of you who haven't read it, the book is about an attractive billionaire with a haunted past and a super kinky side who meets a virgin beauty.  The billionaire, Christian Grey, seduces our heroine, Anastasia Steele, with charm, good looks and that bad-boy-with-a-heart-of-gold-who-needs-saving-from-himself thing that us women love so much. 

There was a ton of discussion at work on who would play the lead characters.  Here are our favs:

Henry Cavill as Christian Grey (It was unanimous!!)
The vote for Ana was scattered. But I always pictured Alison Lohan in my head.

My favorite sentence of the whole novel?  "Wow.. I am in awe and slightly daunted by this underwear."  HAHAHAHA!  Just. Wonderful. 

The writing wasn't the best but not horrible.  However, there were a few things that the author, E.L. James, wrote that annoyed the shit out of me.  For instance, she likes to use the term "quickening" to describe Ana's climb towards the big O.  Really??  Maybe it's because I'm a mom, and I'm used to that term describing the movement of the baby.  It just irked me.  Also James, uses the phrase "oh my".  A LOT.  Like... once a page.  If you are a fan of Howard Stern, you may have heard the sound bites of George Takei using this phrase.  It's HILARIOUS when he says it!  You can hear it HERE.  Unfortunately, every time I read it in the book, I would think of this and giggle.  Which can be a bit distracting.

As you may or may not have realized, I have kind of a dominant personality.  I know...  I hide that shit well.  This book made me realize what a god-awful Submissive I would be.  Grey's character is very controlling, and not just in the bedroom.  From what Ana eats to how much she sleeps, Grey wants to be in charge of it all.  I spent most of those scenes rolling my eyes and being annoyed.  Like I said... dominant personality.   I probably would have told him to go fuck himself.  Unless, of course, he looked like Cavill.  Then, you know... Whatever you want..


So. Blah, Blah, Blah... Let's talk about the sexy time.  And there's a lot of it.

The scenes in the book are pretty fucking hot.  I enjoyed them.  Literally.  My who-ha is sore.  I'm not gonna lie.  Sometimes I would skim through the boring parts to get to the meat and potatoes, so I could take care of business.   

I won't ruin it for you.  You should read it yourself...  But you should know the following before reading:
  1. This book may cause you to have a great amount of sex with your significant other...  Much to their enjoyment (and confusion if they have no idea what you're reading).
  2. You may totally wear your batteries right the fuck out... Mid fun-time.  So always have back ups.
  3.  This is not appropriate reading material for work.  Be forewarned!!!  Should you decide to read this at work, you may get sweaty and have to keep your legs tightly crossed.  The rest of the day will be very uncomfortable.
Most of the sex in this book was just kinky sex, not serious bondage.  I hear there is more actual bondage-type sex in book 2, which I am starting tonight.  I also picked up more batteries for my little friend.  Anyway, I'll let you fuckers know next week.



Sunday, April 22, 2012


Well... It's that time of the week again.  We are on the Titanic of the week and Monday is a giant iceberg that will bring us to the bottom of the ocean.  Let us join together and share that floating door.  And not kill Jack... on purpose. (I mean seriously... they barely even fucking tried to both get on the raft.  One god damn try and they give up??  I call bullshit on that!!!) 

It's not fucking rocket science, you fucking morons!

Anyway...  Without further ado we present for your enjoyment...  A video of animals trying to sexy time people with Yakety Sax being played in the background.

Stay strong, people.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Male Birth Control

 I was going to write up a little something about a new form of Male birth control. In my research i came across a very well written article that is easy to understand. It even includes a diagram, a "set it and forget it" joke, the authors name is Jon Clickenbeard...need i say more.

So without further ado....Jon Clickenbeard's wonderful article HERE !

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Valerie now loves me a bit more....

Valerie  has started her own blog to show the world the way she sees it. Its pretty fucking funny if i say so myself. and i'm not saying that because its Valerie she knows i'd tell her if it sucked.

So read it HERE bitches.

xoxox Nicole

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

50 Shades of Grey... in my pants.

I started reading 50 Shades of Grey yesterday.  The girls at work have been all hot and bothered by it and I wanted in on the action.  I will be doing a review of it next week.

Just an FYI for those of you who decide to read it too... Don't read it on your lunch break at work.  Because you will most likely be uncomfortable for the rest of the day.  And maybe a little sweaty. And then, when you turn your ipod on, Sexual Healing will automatically be the first thing to play.  Because my ipod is weird like that. 

Anyway, so far the book is fantastic.  And Eddie's getting a lot of action. ;o)

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Monday is a Dragonfly Penis

"Their penises are multijointed contraptions resembling high-tech prosthetic legs accessorized with horns, brushes, hooks, grabbers, spreaders and other implements designed to effect both the deposit and the retrieval of sperm, among other things."

Don't tell me the Gods don't have a sense of humor.

Sounds like a horror movie doesn't it?  If I read the above in a movie review, you know I would damn well go see that movie.  Well, you can save your $10.50 because the above is the description of the dragonfly penis.  I know... WOW.  You can read the article HERE. 

The reason I am sharing this information with you is because tomorrow is Monday.  Just remember it could always be worse... You could be a female dragonfly...

Hide your vagina from Monday before it tears you up.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!!!


Remember today when you are eating your delicious Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs to keep an eye out for zombies.  Those sneaky bastards will get you at your most vunerable times!!  That's why I always enjoy my PB Eggs in my prayer closet.


Thursday, April 5, 2012

Racists should probably watch Twilight instead of Hunger Games

Those of you who know me know that I am a huge Hunger Games fan.  I read the books.  I’ve seen the movie.  I have a t-shirt.  Hell… I’m even taking archery lessons.  (Although that has more to do with Zombie Apocalypse training than anything).


Nicole recently brought THIS article to my attention.  It shows tweets and comments from people who were upset because there were black people in the movie.  They even had the gall to state that this did not coincide with the book.  

What.  The.  Fuck.

Did these fucking idiots read the same book as me?!?  Is there some kind of Nazi version where everyone is white with blue eyes and blonde hair?  Did I miss something?  The book clearly describes the characters Rue and Thresh as having “dark brown skin”.  I mean…  Its WRITTEN right there!  If you're confused, go back to your copy of the book and give it another looksee.. Or.. Maybe actually read the book this time instead of jumping on the band wagon of the next popular thing.   The fact that these assholes were surprised is beyond me.  And the fact that this actually “ruined” the movie for some makes me sad for humanity as a whole. 

The little girl who plays Rue is literally one of the most adorable kids ever.  I want to pop her on my shoulders and walk around with her.  Of course, I would train her, over time, to mock people and throw rotten fruit at them… But lets not get ahead of ourselves.   

That's right, Rue... You tell 'em. Now, get the oranges & rocks to throw.
Some people said that her death was not as sad because of the color of her skin.  But… Like… They put this shit on the internet for all to see.  I mean… WOW!  You might as well just write “I’m a stupid asshole” for all your friends and family to see.  However, I’ve got a sneaky suspicion that they already know.  


Its one thing to not give two shits about a character because the part is not acted well or the story sucks.  But the fact that they based this whole opinion because of the color of a little girl’s skin is a bit sad.  

The character Cinna is not described in the book as any race that I can remember.  So, Lenny Kravitz is a fine choice.  He did a fantastic job with the part, playing Cinna exactly how shit went down in my head when I read the book.  However, I honestly pictured John Cho from Harold and Kumar, so the movie industry kind of owes me for that one.  But I'll let it pass, since Cho is in the Total Recall remake.

Kravitz is just badass enough to play the perfect Cinna.

And don’t get me started on my love for Woody Harrelson…. That, my friends, is a whole other article that I promise to give you one day in the future.  My ode shall be epic and discussed for minutes to come.

Woody Harrelson playing my Soulmate in Zombieland
But I digress…

Maybe the people who hated the movie for such pitiful reasons should GO THE FUCK BACK TO WATCHING TWILIGHT!!!

That's a lot of white vamps...

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Just a Quick Follow Up

     If you are pregnant, or curious about a birth with a midwife or a doula, you should make a point to see
 The Business of Being Born. I found it very informative. They even cover a mom who planned to have a home birth but due to complications needed to go to the hospital. 

It is available now on instant netflix but if you don't have netflix: here is the movie's website .

Monday, April 2, 2012

3 Midwives, 2 Babies, 1 Jeanie

   Val has two beautiful daughters. I, on the other hand, am sticking with puppies ( and a pig, when I can convince Rainer this is a great idea).  I do have a 10 year old brother & a 6 going on 18 year old sister; and a wonderful stepmother named Jeanie.
    One of my favorite things about our little blog is bringing information to people. Things they might be curious about or never even considered. Such as this  post, this  post and, THIS post (which could save your life).
  Keeping in that spirit, Jeanie answered some questions about the birth of  my brother & sister. She used midwives for both pregnancies & never needed a doctor. She answers all questions honestly from her own experience as only she could.

     Note to readers :
          1. Nick is her husband; my dad. 
          2. Jeanie, uses the term "sloshing around"
          3. She refers to giving birth as a "show". Its easy to see why I have the best step mom EVER!

1. You had both of your children delivered by a midwife. What made you choose a midwife over the more common OB/GYN?

I was looking for a woman OB/GYN, one that was local and naturally one that took my insurance.  Nick and I went to the initial appointment together. We knew without saying a word to each other that this was not a place for us. We waited over an hour. There only seemed to be the Dr. and someone at the desk. The office seemed uninviting and when I was told to put my “sample” in a dixie cup and leave it on top of the toilet, I should have walked out. We only stayed to hear our good news and never went back. 

2. How did you find your midwife? How did you hear about her/them & why did you end up choosing her/them?  I found them through the internet. I made an appointment and Nick and I interviewed them. We decided to go with a mid-wife to have a more natural experience. The place we chose had 3 mid-wives. We met them all and saw them one at a time for my appointments. I loved them all. It was nice to know that whoever was on duty one of them would be there for me. I didn’t have to worry if my Dr. would not be available.

3. What do you feel the benefits are of having a midwife over an OB/GYN?

They treat you like you are having a baby. That it is the most natural thing in the world. I felt like I was visiting a woman that went through the same thing I was going through and was well qualified to guide me.

4. Although you had a midwife you gave birth in a hospital. Is this common? Was an at home birth ever an option for you?

They were affiliated with our local hospital. I believe midwives have to have a Dr. that sponsors them. I never met their doctor since I had no complications during my pregnancies. I wanted to be in a hospital in case something went wrong with the birth. I never wanted to have my children at home. Although thinking back on it, Nick would have taken better care of me then the nurses up in the recovery room.

5. Did you need a special release from the hospital to have a midwife deliver your babies or was the midwife affiliated with the NY Methodist? (That is the hospital name right?) 

Yes, it was Methodist. No release was needed.

6. I was there both times you gave birth. We were allowed to stay in the room with you up until delivery. And it didn't seem like the hospital minded that we at some points had a lot of people in there. How do you think having family around benefited you while in labor? Or did we all just drive you nuts?

You didn’t drive me nuts at all! It was nice. You guys saw me through the whole 9 months. My side of the family was not really close enough to be involved. I suppose you could have stayed for the whole “show” but I’m to shy for that! Having family around sure does pass the time, especially when I have family that was excited as I was.

7. As I remember you received epidurals for both babies. Did the midwives, encourage or discourage this. Or did they really let you call the shots & kept their opinions to themselves?

They knew that Jackson was going to be big and I went into labor around 1:00 am. I didn’t sleep all night and went into the hospital around 9 in the morning. The mid wife came to see me right away and suggested it. I would not have the energy to push at the end. He was over 9 pounds. I also had one with Anna. I told them that I wanted to have an epidural and never felt like I was no less a woman. I really felt I was making my own decisions with informed guidance.
Side note here: When my dad heard Jeanie's answer he said" NOOO, that's not why you got the epidural with Jackson". He explained the labor stopped around 1 in the afternoon. The midwives were afraid that Jeanie would not have enough strength to make it if she didn't get some sleep. So they gave her the epidural when labor stopped so she could rest and be able to push when the labor started again; avoiding a C section. But she went back into labor around 2 still not having any sleep. Jeanie was surprised she forgot about that. In short Jeanie and my dad were both happy she had the epidural.

8. The hospital room you gave birth in I can only describe as the Batcave of maternity rooms. It looked like a hotel room, but at delivery time the bed broke away & lights literally came down from the ceiling. Did this setting make you feel more relaxed?

 I liked that I didn’t have to go anywhere like a delivery room. Everything was there. Too bad I couldn’t stay after giving birth. The recovery room was not comfortable. Since it was the evening by the time I got settled in there was not a lot of help from the night nurses and the woman next to me was snoring all night! Back to reality.

9. Is a maternity room like that available to all mothers to be at NY Methodist or did you get that room because of the midwife services?

Every mother gets a room like mine. Some actually have Jacuzzis. I did not partake in the Jacuzzi….didn’t want everybody to see me in my birthday suit sloshing around.

10. Would you change anything about your pregnancies and births with your midwives?

It all went as planned! I am pretty lucky. I still see them today for my yearly.

   After I wrote up this post i was on the phone with Jeanie talking about the days Jackson & Anna were born. Jeanie said she had fun answering the questions. She said " All women like talking about their births because its like I AM AMAZING". Can't argue with her there.