Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Best Carnie That Never Was

In my ever evolving quest to learn more about the various carnies of the world, I recently came upon the unusual tale of Juan Baptista dos Santos.  Santos was born in 1843 in Southern Portugal.  He was born with 2 penises... and 3 testicles... and an 8 toed, 2 heeled 3rd leg.

I'm gonna let you digest that for a moment....  Here is a visual to help you out.

Go on... Take your time.

Ready for the next part?

Santos could not only pee out of both, but fuck with them too.  In fact, he could finish one dick up and continue with the other.  It is said that he also had quite the appetite for sex.  Which pretty much goes without saying.  I mean, most guys think about it nonstop with only 1 dick.  You add another with an extra ball thrown in there for good measure, and you've pretty much created a monster.

Ass wiping was probably quite the challenge.

But don't worry, guys... He had a special sling made so that he could continue to be active.  He liked to ride horses.  Not fuck them... Just ride them.  Calm down and get your mind out of the gutter.

And although Santos had a plethora of offers to join various carnivals and circuses, the Man stayed strong and just said no.  Because He is better than that. 


You're welcome.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The G- Spot Girl's own personal Big Foot

G-spot #4

           The G-Spot, named after German gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg. His study on urethral stimulation was done in the 1940's but what he discovered didn't become big news until 1982. His findings were published in a book titled The G- Spot and Other Resent Discoveries About Human Sexuality by Alice Kahn Ladas and Beverly Whipple. (Side note, I was lucky enough to meet Beverly Whipple a few years ago at a Woman's Health &Sexuality conference. There will be a post dedicated to her research soon). The G-spot is considered the female prostate. It can cause increased sexual pleasure as well as female ejaculation.

Well ever since the G-Spots existence became known information it has been the topic for serious debate; does it really exist? Any girl with time & a toy designed for the G-spot will tell you, " yes...yes it does." But that's just not enough it seems. The topic is still up for debate despite the fact ultrasound tests showed physical evidence.

Recently, "the first documented scientific account of the anatomic existence of the G-spot" was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine by Dr. Adam Ostrzenski. He used a cadaver...genius!What he found was a "structure is a distinct, well-defined, blue grape-like structure within a sac located on the back of the vagina".

Already the arguments are flaring up. Some doctors feel how can this evidence be taken into account because the woman was dead. So you cannot really get any actual assessment of sexual function. Ahhh so the mythical G-Spot argument shall continue. But this is ground breaking research in the name of sexual pleasure. Thank you Dr. Ostrzenski for fighting the good fight.



Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Temple of the Penis

Everyone loves a vagina.  Be man or a woman, you have to admit that it is a thing of beauty.  Hell, even flowers have been designed after them...

You know I love 'em!

Many think penises to be comical. 

Sad Penis
Happy Penis
The Intellectual.

But there is actually a church dedicated to cock worship.  IT'S TRUE!!! St. Priapus Church was founded in Montreal, Quebec in the 1980s and worships the penis.  They believe the "Cock as part of a new and beautiful act, the act of peace, love and beauty, will conquer evil, leaving only peace and Love."

There is also a rule that all members must devote a minimum 4 hours a week to servicing the penis (your own or others). 

Makes me wish I had a penis.  However, I would just run around poking everyone with it screaming "WORSHIP MEEEEE!!" and would probably end up arrested...  So, I guess it's for the best.


You're Welcome ;o)

Thursday, May 17, 2012

This is not a post on penis printed leggings.

But its cool man, you can still view the leggings right here. And better yet they can be yours for about $150.00. You should know they also are available in shiny. 
Now moving on, we are here to discuss Lauren Cheek founder of Dapper Dicks. He makes costumes for penises. Now If you want to dress up a dick, I say go for it. And I know if these were still available for purchase, poor Eddie wouldn't stand a chance. Val would have an epic battle. Toe Town & Toeville unite for once against Evil Cowboy Cock. We all know this to be a fact.

Yes, this is Valerie's foot. Now it makes more sense, yes?

But i am a bit grumpy this morning & I really don't like this guy. After this quick video, I have a few points to touch on.

1. This fucker is creepy.

2. How is that hat really going to stay on? I would rather stick a dick into a stocking & pretend its robbing a bank.

3. The sign behind him reads "Designer Wear For Down There". Which makes me think "The mere fact you call it pop pop shows me your just not ready".

4. "Designed for foreplay."  Really?  Because I think I would just say "What the fuck is on your dick? You look ridiculous,  put that fucking thing away now & bring me my whip!"

5. "Girls like to play with dolls and you get some sex out of it". See #1

6. OK can't lie here, I would totally watch a penis puppet show.

7. I am oddly disappointed I can't get Valerie a one size fits all cowboy cock outfit.

8. Pause the video at 1:07

9. Lets make safety & the well dressed dick coincide.  Listen up condom makers, some people want their dick to be all fancy like and wear clothes. Get on that shit.
      *What do we want?
      * Fancier condoms!
      * When do we want them?
      * NOW!

10. Go back and read 9 as if it was Trey Parker or Matt Stone talking. It is much funnier that way.

Monday, May 14, 2012

50 Shades Darker... is the stain in my pants...

Before I start, I must first tell you of a conversation I had with my doctor a few months ago after he did some routine blood work.

Doctor Brown:  Well, Valerie... Everything looks really good.  Except you have pretty high testosterone... for a woman.

Me:  That's really not surprising...

Doctor Brown:  Um... It's still pretty normal.  There's nothing wrong with it.  I just thought you should know.  Why is it not surprising?

Me:  You should see the size of my penis.

Doctor Brown:  .....

Me:  Sorry...  But you kinda had that coming.

So, I literally have a doctor's note that exempts me from liking romance novels.  And that's pretty much what this trilogy is.  Just with more sex.  That being said, I still really liked it.  It took me a little longer to get through because I realized that it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE for me to read this book with PMS.  Seriously... I just get really fucking angry at everything.  

Anyway, let's recap...

Christian... in my mind (and pants)
My choice for Ana
Look at these two... They should fucking date in real life.  I feel like I should make it my life mission for this to happen.

Anyway... Without giving away much of plot, these are my thoughts on book 2:
  1. Lots more sex.  It's dirty and naughty and I loved every minute of it.  I tried telling Eddie about it and he responded with "Sounds like a Saturday night at the Nunez house..."  Touche, Mr. Nunez... Touche indeed. 
  3. Other places, besides work, that I should never read this book:  hair salon, dr's office, movie theater line (waiting to see the Avengers of all things!!!), kids dance class waiting room (because it WILL be awkward when other parents walk in with their kids.).
In case you're wondering about the silver balls...  Imagine walking around all day with these in your nether region.  Because Christian made Ana.  And. It. Was. Awesome.

Why Yes, Christian... I will marry you.

 Also, besides the sexy time extravaganza that goes down in this book, the storyline takes a look into Christian's past.  And that did something unthinkable to me after I read the first book...  It made me actually care about Christian... and the relationship between our two lovers.  Well played, James.  Well played indeed.

I will be reading the third book after a quick side venture to Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. (Because how could I not read about a vampire killing ex-president!!!)  I'll give you guys a full report on the last book next month! :o)

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day, Valerie

In honor of Mother's Day, Eddie & I worked together.  We had Valerie's daughters write why they have the greatest mom ever...


"Mommy is the best mom in the world because she knows how to shoot a bow and knows how to kill zombies. She loves animals and she is awesome. She knows math and she loves Jasmyn and me. I love her so much. That is why mommy is the best mom in the world."


"Mommy is the best mommy in the world because she is very sweet and cool and awesome. She knows how to shoot a bow and loves everyone. She gives me tuck-tucks. She takes us to Disney and to see haunted houses and she lets me watch scary movies!"

    Valerie, i wish you were my mom. Happy Mother's Day. I love you.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

A truly bad day involves getting hit in the face with monkey semen

The highlight of my week was the following story, shared with my by a co-worker...

Back in his high school hayday, my co-worker had a good friend whose dad decided it was a great idea to buy his son a pet spider monkey.  I guess this was during that big "lets all go buy a monkey" craze.  

So adorable. So deadly.

Yea... Monkey purchases rarely end well.  Mostly because they are wild animals and are not meant to be domesticated.  So, as payback, they often become violent.  And sometimes they masturbate into their hands and throw it.

Yes, you read that correctly.  Sometimes they masturbate into their hands and throw it.

Monkeys like blow jobs too...

The monkey in question had a sweet setup in the kid's yard.  A nice fenced enclosure overlooking a sidewalk where people often walked their dogs or enjoyed an afternoon stroll.  Around the age of 2, monkeys reach sexual maturity.  Without having anyone else to bone, they become frustrated.  And we can't very well get it on with a monkey... I'm pretty sure that's how Planet of the Apes started.  

It makes sense.

Well, apparently, our little furry friend decided to take out his frustrations in a very different way.  He would often rub one out into his hand and throw hail Mary's at passing pedestrians.  And sometimes, in true monkey fashion, he would fling poo. 

Do not stand within poo flinging range.

Oh yea.

It got to the point where the dad had so many people showing up at his door covered in monkey dna that he had to get rid of the monkey.  But, unfortunately for him, not many people wanted to buy an angry, splooge throwing monkey.  Though, I would think PETA would have bit on that one.  Why throw paint when monkey semen is SO much more fun!!!  Eventually, the family found a zoo to take the poor little guy in.

Let this be a lesson to us all...  Wild animals make BAD pets!!  They will either try to fuck you or eat you. 

You feeling lucky, Punk

Monday, May 7, 2012

The Avengers movie is the best porno I've ever seen

I just saw The Avengers movie and...


Can they put any more sexy people in one movie?!?  JESUS H CHRIST MAN!  This has to be some kind of record.  Let's do a roll call, shall we?

I mean.. GOD DAMN!
Hulk's before picture
I won't lie to you... I would destroy her.
He's got a fucking bow & arrow, guys.  It's like they MADE this movie for ME!!!
Bad. Ass. Mother. Fucker.

I just Jizzed in my Pants, guys.  For Real.

And not only is the eye candy spectacular...  The movie fucking rocked too. The story was solid.  It was funny.  There were explosions and aliens. I mean...


All I have to say is:

1.  Well played, Hollywood. Well played.  And...
2.  Where is my vibrator?

Friday, May 4, 2012

You better be a American & do your part!

May is National Masturbation Month!

It is true. It all began back in 1995, thanks to the wonderful people of Good Vibrations. You can find the glorious tale of how this the National Month of ALL National Months came to be HERE, at Good Vibration's website. They also explain all of the benefits of masturbation, in case you needed a reason.
While your there shop around for some of the tools you might need to celebrate Masturbation Month in style. They are offering $5.00 off your order for joining their email list.

the internet helps you get off.

Have a Happy Healthy And Safe Masturbation Month!!! ENJOY PEOPLE! Encourage others to do the same. Maybe together we can make May the Happiest Month on Earth. After all this is Christmas for orgasm lovers everywhere! And who doesn't enjoy a good orgasm??

You had to see this one coming....pun intended!