Wednesday, May 9, 2012

A truly bad day involves getting hit in the face with monkey semen

The highlight of my week was the following story, shared with my by a co-worker...

Back in his high school hayday, my co-worker had a good friend whose dad decided it was a great idea to buy his son a pet spider monkey.  I guess this was during that big "lets all go buy a monkey" craze.  

So adorable. So deadly.

Yea... Monkey purchases rarely end well.  Mostly because they are wild animals and are not meant to be domesticated.  So, as payback, they often become violent.  And sometimes they masturbate into their hands and throw it.

Yes, you read that correctly.  Sometimes they masturbate into their hands and throw it.

Monkeys like blow jobs too...

The monkey in question had a sweet setup in the kid's yard.  A nice fenced enclosure overlooking a sidewalk where people often walked their dogs or enjoyed an afternoon stroll.  Around the age of 2, monkeys reach sexual maturity.  Without having anyone else to bone, they become frustrated.  And we can't very well get it on with a monkey... I'm pretty sure that's how Planet of the Apes started.  

It makes sense.

Well, apparently, our little furry friend decided to take out his frustrations in a very different way.  He would often rub one out into his hand and throw hail Mary's at passing pedestrians.  And sometimes, in true monkey fashion, he would fling poo. 

Do not stand within poo flinging range.

Oh yea.

It got to the point where the dad had so many people showing up at his door covered in monkey dna that he had to get rid of the monkey.  But, unfortunately for him, not many people wanted to buy an angry, splooge throwing monkey.  Though, I would think PETA would have bit on that one.  Why throw paint when monkey semen is SO much more fun!!!  Eventually, the family found a zoo to take the poor little guy in.

Let this be a lesson to us all...  Wild animals make BAD pets!!  They will either try to fuck you or eat you. 

You feeling lucky, Punk

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