So... The other day, I almost got killed in an underground parking lot. Well, not really. But, the fear was there. Let me start off by saying that my grocery store has a freaky underground parking area. Basically, its only a matter of time before someone dies down there. I know, as a woman who frequents there often, that I should probably park up top in the sunshine and creeper-free zone. But, unfortunately, that's where all the assholes park.
The last time I parked up there was a horrid experience that still hits me like a 'Nam flashback. All I'm saying is don't try to take my fucking parking spot when I'm waiting there with my blinker on. Or, much like a virgin on prom night, you'll pay a hefty price.
|Nah, bro... I totally got this.|
So, now that we have the preface out of the way... I went to my usual shop to get some Italian bread for dinner. In the ride up on the elevator, I became eye candy to a weirder than usual person. I attract weirdos. I know this because I am one, and I think we can smell our own. But this particular gentleman decidedly to openly stare at my legs. When I looked at him in my "you-had-better-quite-that-or-I'll-shank-you" kind of way, he promptly said, "Those look like really comfortable shoes." That's when I knew that I was either talking to Forrest Gump, or a serial killer.
|Don't act like these aren't the most awesome shoes ever.|
I promptly exited the elevator, procured my delicious bread and made it back to the lower parking deck in record time. That's when I noticed the lit cigarette next to my car. I went to step on it and suddenly stopped. I noticed that the security booth had been abandoned. My horror-movie-survivor-girl personality kicked in.
|He's dead, Jim.|
I knew then that the security guard had already been killed in a most brutal fashion, and that he would appear in the last 20 minutes of the movie (gutted like a fish) whilst I was trying to escape. I removed the Italian bread from my bag, preparing to give the killer who was surely hiding somewhere in the vicinity an ass-whooping. I also wished to the Gods that I had bought something canned and/or did not leave my awesome pink scorpion knife in the car.
|Any of these items would have been more helpful.|
I circled my car, Bubbles, checking out all possible hiding places... The back seat. The SUV trunk. Under the car. They were all clear. My second ninja-like loop around the car was when I felt the eyes on me. I was being watched... by the security guard... who wasn't dead. In fact, he was very much alive... and staring at me in stunned silence...
In a moment of utter shock and dismay, I threw my Italian bread clad arm into the air and yelled "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!!" The look on that poor confused man will stay with for the rest of my life. I dove into my car and sped off into the night...You live to see another day, Mr. Security Guard. Good for you, Motherfucker... Good for you...
|Today you live, bitch... Tomorrow? Who knows. |