Thursday, February 23, 2012

The secuity guard is already dead... And you're next.


So... The other day, I almost got killed in an underground parking lot.  Well, not really.  But, the fear was there.  Let me start off by saying that my grocery store has a freaky underground parking area.  Basically, its only a matter of time before someone dies down there.  I know, as a woman who frequents there often, that I should probably park up top in the sunshine and creeper-free zone.  But, unfortunately, that's where all the assholes park. 

The last time I parked up there was a horrid experience that still hits me like a 'Nam flashback.  All I'm saying is don't try to take my fucking parking spot when I'm waiting there with my blinker on.  Or, much like a virgin on prom night, you'll pay a hefty price.

 Nah, bro... I totally got this.

So, now that we have the preface out of the way...  I went to my usual shop to get some Italian bread for dinner.  In the ride up on the elevator, I became eye candy to a weirder than usual person.  I attract weirdos.  I know this because I am one, and I think we can smell our own.  But this particular gentleman decidedly to openly stare at my legs.  When I looked at him in my "you-had-better-quite-that-or-I'll-shank-you" kind of way, he promptly said, "Those look like really comfortable shoes."  That's when I knew that I was either talking to Forrest Gump, or a serial killer.

Don't act like these aren't the most awesome shoes ever.

I promptly exited the elevator, procured my delicious bread and made it back to the lower parking deck in record time.  That's when I noticed the lit cigarette next to my car.  I went to step on it and suddenly stopped.  I noticed that the security booth had been abandoned.  My horror-movie-survivor-girl personality kicked in.  

He's dead, Jim.

I knew then that the security guard had already been killed in a most brutal fashion, and that he would appear in the last 20 minutes of the movie (gutted like a fish) whilst I was trying to escape.  I removed the Italian bread from my bag, preparing to give the killer who was surely hiding somewhere in the vicinity an ass-whooping.  I also wished to the Gods that I had bought something canned and/or did not leave my awesome pink scorpion knife in the car.

Any of these items would have been more helpful.
 I circled my car, Bubbles, checking out all possible hiding places... The back seat. The SUV trunk.  Under the car.  They were all clear.  My second ninja-like loop around the car was when I felt the eyes on me.  I was being watched... by the security guard... who wasn't dead.  In fact, he was very much alive... and staring at me in stunned silence...


In a moment of utter shock and dismay, I threw my Italian bread clad arm into the air and yelled "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!!"  The look on that poor confused man will stay with for the rest of my life.  I dove into my car and sped off into the night...You live to see another day, Mr. Security Guard.  Good for you, Motherfucker... Good for you...

Today you live, bitch... Tomorrow? Who knows.




  1. That is HILARIOUS! I love my solo-road-trips, but always check the back seat!

    1. Its that one time that you don't check!! Trust you gut, i say!! Even if my gut is half crazy. :i shall never be the first to die in the horror movie. This i vow!!