Tuesday, March 27, 2012

My Period is an Asshole.

I hate my period.  I’m pretty sure that its ultimate goal is to have me kill someone so I rot in jail.  It’s a jerk like that.  

Right before, I am always fine and awesome!  Having a fantastic life – WHOOHOO!  Then, outta nowhere, I am just so fucking tired.  I can sleep for weeks without trying.  I know exactly what bears must feel like right before hibernation.  And… Ugh… I have the blahs.  It’s at that moment I realize what is going on… It has arrived.  The dreaded PMS.

Enter the mood swings.  Here is a typical Val Patent Pending PMS Moment:

1.  Everyone is chewing way too loud.  I hate them.  I hate everyone. 
2.  Go into an isolated area to escape the ridiculously loud chewing that is probably being    done on purpose… Just to piss me off.  Whisper yell at how disgusting it is. 
3.  Suddenly realize that my PMS is in full force and I am being irrational.
4.  Wow… Everyone probably hates me and is disappointed in my existence. 
5.  Sobbing crying breakdown ensues in 3. 2. 1.
6.  Sobbing.
7.  Holy shit… I am fucking crazy. 
9.  Laughing attack!
10.  More Crying.
11.  Holy shit…  I really am crazy! 
12.  TOE TOWN!!! (In case you don’t know what this is… I enjoy drawing faces on the bottom of my toes and making them talk... I know.  It does sound awesome.  Try it!!)
13.  More laughing.
14.  My vagina starts bleeding because all of the abdominal strain from crying and laughing.
15.  Repeat steps 1-13 for the next 5-10 days... Sigh.

And this is what I go through every month...  I want a penis.  Mostly so I can poke things with it.




  1. aaahhhh but you forgot to mention the previous week when you're vagina becomes a slip and slide. That's my favorite time of the month. I'm always surprised at how much mucus my vagina creates and angry my vagaina gets at me. It's total bullshit.

    1. How could I forget!!! One wipe and it looks like I've sneezed into my beard! Oh, Vagina... You wonderful, yet mysterious cunt you...