How I Became a Karate Gold Medalist in One Day

Yesterday, Eddie and I made the journey to visit one of the most awesome people we know… I’m talking, of course, about Nicole. The trek to Nicole’s house is not to be taken lightly, as she lives in the middle of the woods. It is truly glorious there.  I wish I could live there too.  But that might be too fun for the world to handle; hence creating a break in the time/space continuum.  And we can’t have that, can we?

I drew you a picture of how the time/space continuum would be affected.  You're welcome.

Nicole and I decided we should visit a town nearby to enjoy the spring-like day.  The stores were all amazing!  Much like the tardis, they were bigger on the inside.  I found a fucking pair of Zombie Socks for Christ’s Sakes!!! And a steampunk skull!!!  Could this place get any cooler?!?  Apparently it could, for the epicness of the town was about to bust my brain wide open with glitter and a rainbow of silly string… Figuratively, of course.  Because if that REALLY happened, I would move there.  Immediately.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.

Enter the most adorable little antique store ever…

I would put this right outside my cubicle at work. To deter.. well, everyone really.

For voodoo.

For the measly price of $240, she can be MINE!!!

  

Conversation between me and Eddie:

Me:  Eddie… I need $5.

Eddie:  Why?

Me:  They are selling gold medals for Karate.  I want to be a champion.

Eddie:  ….. 

Me:  I’m the motherfucking Karate Kid. 

Eddie:  You are literally throwing this $5 away.

Me:  No, Eddie.  I’m saving your ass from future bullies.  No one will mess with you when they know your wife probably beats your ass with badass Karate skills.  Sweep the leg, Eddie.. Sweep the leg.

Eddie:  sigh

And then… I became.. A FUCKING GOLD MEDALIST IN THE ANCIENT ART OF KARATE!!!! 

I should get up extra early tomorrow to practice my moves.. and catch flies with chop sticks.

The rest of the day was used for showing off my awesome Karate skills…

Badass Motherfuckers.  Like Samuel L. Jackson and shit.

Look at the fear on the Bear's face... He knows Karate skills when he sees them.

Nicole's Ghost Agrees:  This is the best day ever!!!

 

Little Old Shop Lady:  Hi there!  Please let me know if I can help you with anything. 

Me:  Ok.  Thank you.

Little Old Shop Lady:  (upon noticing the Medal displaying my obvious talents)  DID YOU WIN A GOLD MEDAL IN KARATE?!?!

Me:  Yes!!! Yes I did!!! Today was a good day!!

Little Old Shop Lady:  Congratulations!!! GOOD FOR YOU!!!

Me:  Thank you!!! 

Eddie:  (Leaves shop)

Nicole:  (Giggles in the corner)

Fact:  I taught Chuck Norris how to roundhouse kick.

Nicole also found a fucking Chicken Galore pin!!! I mean... What are the odds of finding a pin to your favorite chicken place located in your home town?! Not to mention how Nicole totally impressed the old man she bought the pin from with her knowledge of everything Chicken.  She promptly turned the pin into a magnet... Because Nicole is awesome like that. 

Then Nicole, Eddie and I spent a combined amount of $61 dollars on candy.  (Eddie is playing Bertie Botts Every Flavor Jelly Beans with the kids as I write this.)

Everything here is edible.

I don't play the Bertie Botts Game anymore... Not since the puke jellybean incident.

We ended the glorious day by meeting up with Nicole’s man (the one and only Rainer). We all went out for sushi so that I could show off my Very Important Award… And also because everyone wanted sushi.  (Except Eddie.  But he had a cheeseburger and was very happy.)  None of the people at the Japanese Restaurant commented on my Medal for Being Awesome at Karate, but there seemed to be a general understanding of its awesomeness.  It’s true.  I can just tell these things..

I'm ready, Chuck Norris... Let's do this.