Couch Fucking Gone Wrong

Every once in a while, a news article comes across my path that makes me laugh so hard that I spit coffee out of my nose.  Today just that happened.  And though it hurt like a motherfucker, it was well worth reading about the Couch Fucker.  You can get your laugh by clicking HERE.  (Please do not drink fluids whilst reading this story.)

But not in public...

 
Apparently,  Mr. Couch Fucker came upon an abandoned couch on a curb near his apartment complex and that's when the sweet music of Barry White started playing in his head.  He got the feeling, my friends, for some sexual healing.  Unfortunately for him, right in the middle of his sexual healing, a cop came jogging past.  

Cops always want to ruin someone's fun

Then the chase ensued!  THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT!!!  The cop chased the Couch Fucker down!  HAHAHAHA!  I like to imagine that his dick was still out for the chase. 

RUN BITCH!  RUN!

The best part is he ran home!  Leading the off duty cop right to his apartment complex.  What a fucking rookie.  I hope they put this guy away for a few months...  Just so he will have to tell the other prisoners what he's in for. 

Only Rick James can fuck a couch correctly.

Sampat Pal Devi is the new word for BADASS HERO

    

                                                         
             Sampat Pal Devi is the founder/leader of the Gulabi Gang. Gulabi, which comes from the Indian word meaning pink or rose, is the color of the saris the women of this gang wear. 
  
       That's right, there's a gang in India made up of women wearing pink saris. Whats so badass about that? Well pull up a fucking chair & make yourself all cozy, bitch. Do I got a story for you. 
   
     Sampat has numerous violations with the law including attacking a government official, rioting and, obstructing the course of justice. What provokes Sampat to take such measures you ask;  rape, child brides, domestic violence, government officials taking bribes and denying lower class citizen government jobs. 
                                     
                                    FUCK YEA SHE IS A BADASS HERO!!!
 
         Sampat was married off at 12 and had her first baby at 15. Now the mother of five children, Sampat gives a voice to those who don't have one. People come from all over India to seek her council & assistance. 
   
     HERE is a link  explaining more about Sampat & the Gulabi Gang. It also gives Sempat's bio along with some of the other women in the Gang.
      
     The article also tells how The Gulabi Gang kept watch on trucks delivering rations to poverty stricken families. When Sampat discovered that the trucks were going to the open markets, the Gulubi Gang intercepted them and took the goods to local administration. When a report wasn't written up by the local police the Gang resorted to Lathi.
      
     Lathi is a style of stick fighting (you can learn more about the art here) that  Sampat teaches to her girls. So they can protect themselves & their communities from injustice. 

     (You all hear that in the background??? *Falsetto... BADASS HEROOOOOOO)


     Right HERE is the Gulabi Gang's site. You can learn more about their mission and make  donations to the cause.

 
  The Gulabi Gang is doing their work in the video below. You can also see the schools that  they have built through donations given to the site above.

   



 

                                                               

50 Shades... The Money Shot (aka the last book review)

I really do like smut... I really do!

Ok guys...  I did it.  I finally finished all 3 books.  I had to take some time off between books 2 and 3 to grow my balls back.  So I read "Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter" (which was a fan-fucking-tastic read by the way).

If you missed my reviews of books 1 & 2 you can click Here & Here. Also, here are some visuals of who might be playing Christian and Ana as per the talks on the internet.

Oh the things I would do to this man...

I know!!! I was all "Not HERMIONE!!"  But I bet she could pull it off!!

So I know you all are dying to know what I thought of the last 2 books.  If not, go do your reading, fool!  Now, I'm gonna go ahead and be honest here.  And some of you may not like what I have to say.  So if you have a hard core love for the book and don't like to read anything negative about it, click away!!!  Before it's too late.

You may want to stop here...  Just sayin...

Well, I didn't like it!! There... I said it.  After a while, the sex scenes got a bit repetitive.  And by the third book, they almost lost me.  No man gets hard again that quickly.  And for christ's sakes, can't they just have, like, a fucking conversation like normal people?!?  Anyway, none of this would have been a problem if the story could carry itself, which it couldn't.  If she had only stopped at the second book...

STOP!!!!!

I think that the main thing that bothered me was that this supposedly strong female lead character still was ok with having to ask permission before doing ANYTHING.  Being a strong female lead character in my own fucking life, I just don't get it.  If Eddie ever freaked out because I decided to go get a drink with a friend like Christian Grey does in the book, I would backhand the shit out of him.

No, really.  He would end up having to tell people that he walked into a door so I was not arrested and put on an episode of Cops.  But that could just be my high testosterone talking....

Exactly!

Favorite parts of the book?  Chapters 5 & 6.  There's some butt plug action and car sex.  So don't read these chapters too far away from your vibrator or a working penis.

Least favorite line in the book?  "I'm looking forward to the taste of breast milk again." Calm it down, James...  Next step is someone shitting on a glass table..

Slow your roll there, James.

Good for you, Pauline!

  Meet Pauline Potter. She is holds the Guinness World Record for Heaviest Woman Living (but not for long). See it HERE .

 You see, Pauline lost 100 pounds by having sex, with her Ex-Husband Alex, seven times a day. “Even though one of Pauline’s legs weighs more than I do, we’re able to position her body to make sex enjoyable for both of us" said Alex.Which is the key to great sex no matter why you're doing it.

We know why you're smiling.

                                       

So if you are looking to lose some weight do it right & seven times a day. Hey, its way more fun then going to the gym.

If you want the whole story, READ IT HERE .

Things that make you go hmmmmm.....

There are a lot of weird sex toys out there.  And we all have our own things in which we like.  Some people like to dress up as ponies and fuck each other...  Some people like clown sex...  Hell, some people even like to have sex in missionary position only, with the lights off...  Who am I to judge?

We don't judge... Unless it's really fucked up.  Then, we judge.

But some times, you come across things that make you think "What. The. Fuck. Man!!!!"  Here are a few for your visual pleasures... 

When Twilight goes too far

In case you didn't know.... That's a VAGINA in a FOOT.  Way worse than a splinter.

This one reminds me of Nightmare on Elm St.  "I'm your boyfriend now, NANCY!!!"

In case you get hungry...  for a fucking...

Baby Ruth?

This whole "mustache" thing is getting out of hand.

And my personal favorite.  Because sometimes you are way too good to fuck a mouth or an ear.  Sometimes you need to fuck a severed head...  IN THE NECK!!

I told you it existed, Nicole!  WTF MAN!!

The Edible Undies Experiment

1. Obtain a package of Edible Undies for $4.95 plus tax
 

Strawberry Champagne flavored... Because we've got class

2. Have Nicole over carrying 2 bottles of Pimms on her person
3. Drink 1 bottle 

Go out and get some.

4. Sunbathe
5. Eat cheeseburgers
6. Drink 0.5 bottles
7. Decide more Pimms are needed
8. Call various liquor stores asking if they carry Pimms.  Maintain a British accent.  Do not giggle.
9. Get more Pimms.

All the fucking time.

10. Drink 1 bottle of Pimms
11. Have Nicole's fiance show up
12. Give Nicole's fiance a glass of Pimms... and... shots of tequila... and... vodka
13. Drink a bottle of Pimms
14. Shit gets real

Exactly.

15. Stuuuuuuuffff
16. Nicole's fiance falls asleep
17. Break out the Edible Undies and pose the box on his face

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

18. Giggle madly
19. Open box and carefully take out undies which seem to be made of a thin fruit roll up

20. Undies break immediately

If Only we got this far...  If only..

21. Be pissed
22. Play with parts of panties
23. Put panties on sleeping fiance

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

24. Giggle madly
25. Play tug with panties

26. Take bite of panties
27. Dry heave at how utterly disgusting they are
28. Spit panties out
29. Vow to the gods that edible panties will never again touch your lips... either of them
30. Wake up the next day hung over and wondering why your lips are so red 

Never. Again.

And that, my friends, is why you should just make your own panties out of fruit roll ups.  But that experiment is for another day....

WTF China, Seriously???

Let us begin here......

  

OK now once we have all stopped our giggles & mocking we should make clear on the fact, yes:  that is a   pussy. It is a male sex toy. In their defense at certain angles it does look like a mushroom. The color, the dirt stains.... but wow. Wow. Given the fact that China produces about 80% of the world's sex toys what the fuck is wrong with these people?

 My favorite quotes:
1. we dug out this meaty object. ( that's what she said)
2. it has eyes and a nose

Have these people ever seen a vagina??? I wonder because that thing has a clit & labia. Come on, they measured it!!! This might be the greatest news story since that stripper at Hot22  was collecting human body parts from a Med Student client. (I would have taken those parts too, honey.. i was rooting for you.)
I also love the part about how the Emperor used the herb/mushroom in his mixture for longevity. I don't need to make a joke here. That is all you my blogy friends.




 

Edible Panties Confuse and Scare Me

Ok... I've never actually tried them, per say.  But I have never really understood them.  So, I'm throwing this out to the masses...  And I have to ask:  What's the point?!?  Seriously.  Instead of eating my panties, you could be eating something else.  (wink, wink)

Even the package screams "I TASTE LIKE OLD SOCKS AND VAGINA!"

In fact, I'm pretty sure that they would taste god awful.  Especially if you've been wearing them all day.  Like swamp ass.  And, do they melt?  If I wear them for a while before sexual escapades?! 

Ok... These don't look half bad.  I'll give them that.

I should really do some research on this.  In fact, I will go out this weekend and buy some edible panties and wear them around.  Then I'll make Eddie eat them.

See?!?  He's holding ROSES!!! This is obviously delicious.

OR I just may fashion myself a pair out of red licorice laces.  Then I'll eat them.  Either way, I'll report back. ;o)

Good thing I learned to knit last winter!!!

This post just got weird didn't it?  You know you were all thinking it...  I'm sorry I'm not sorry.

Today we celebrate...

our vaginas!

    

 Thank you, Amy for introducing us to this little number. We love you & your vagina.

More from Kaitlin the official N.V Doula

 Some of you may remember Kaitlin Lee ~ Doula In Training from THIS POST. Well Kaitlin has started her own blog. It can be found at  DOWNRIGHT DOULA.

       In her own words she created this blog because "I have so much that I want to share in regards to pregnancy, birth, motherhood, parenting, hospital birth, home birth, unassisted birth, midwifery, doula work, and MORE. It's important to me that I share as much information with you as possible in the topics mentioned, among other things."

    Knowing Kaitlin & how passionate she is about these topics, I know this blog will be full of great & difficult information. It will also be explained in a way anyone can understand. She will also cover subjects related to births that are not to widely discussed.  Please pass the word along & help her out. 

  She also has a new business facebook page for her doula work which can be found HERE. So check her out. Especially if you are expecting, know someone who is expecting or you have kiddies of your own. Dads get in on this too.

Congratulations Kaitlin & Good Luck! Love, your friends at N.V. 

The Best Carnie That Never Was

In my ever evolving quest to learn more about the various carnies of the world, I recently came upon the unusual tale of Juan Baptista dos Santos.  Santos was born in 1843 in Southern Portugal.  He was born with 2 penises... and 3 testicles... and an 8 toed, 2 heeled 3rd leg.

I'm gonna let you digest that for a moment....  Here is a visual to help you out.

Go on... Take your time.

Ready for the next part?

Santos could not only pee out of both, but fuck with them too.  In fact, he could finish one dick up and continue with the other.  It is said that he also had quite the appetite for sex.  Which pretty much goes without saying.  I mean, most guys think about it nonstop with only 1 dick.  You add another with an extra ball thrown in there for good measure, and you've pretty much created a monster.

Ass wiping was probably quite the challenge.

But don't worry, guys... He had a special sling made so that he could continue to be active.  He liked to ride horses.  Not fuck them... Just ride them.  Calm down and get your mind out of the gutter.

And although Santos had a plethora of offers to join various carnivals and circuses, the Man stayed strong and just said no.  Because He is better than that. 

ALL HAIL THE KING!!!

You're welcome.

The G- Spot Girl's own personal Big Foot

G-spot #4

           The G-Spot, named after German gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg. His study on urethral stimulation was done in the 1940's but what he discovered didn't become big news until 1982. His findings were published in a book titled The G- Spot and Other Resent Discoveries About Human Sexuality by Alice Kahn Ladas and Beverly Whipple. (Side note, I was lucky enough to meet Beverly Whipple a few years ago at a Woman's Health &Sexuality conference. There will be a post dedicated to her research soon). The G-spot is considered the female prostate. It can cause increased sexual pleasure as well as female ejaculation.

Well ever since the G-Spots existence became known information it has been the topic for serious debate; does it really exist? Any girl with time & a toy designed for the G-spot will tell you, " yes...yes it does." But that's just not enough it seems. The topic is still up for debate despite the fact ultrasound tests showed physical evidence.

Recently, "the first documented scientific account of the anatomic existence of the G-spot" was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine by Dr. Adam Ostrzenski. He used a cadaver...genius!What he found was a "structure is a distinct, well-defined, blue grape-like structure within a sac located on the back of the vagina".

Already the arguments are flaring up. Some doctors feel how can this evidence be taken into account because the woman was dead. So you cannot really get any actual assessment of sexual function. Ahhh so the mythical G-Spot argument shall continue. But this is ground breaking research in the name of sexual pleasure. Thank you Dr. Ostrzenski for fighting the good fight.

     
                  
     



                                                                            

Temple of the Penis

Everyone loves a vagina.  Be man or a woman, you have to admit that it is a thing of beauty.  Hell, even flowers have been designed after them...

You know I love 'em!

Many think penises to be comical. 

Sad Penis

Happy Penis

The Intellectual.

But there is actually a church dedicated to cock worship.  IT'S TRUE!!! St. Priapus Church was founded in Montreal, Quebec in the 1980s and worships the penis.  They believe the "Cock as part of a new and beautiful act, the act of peace, love and beauty, will conquer evil, leaving only peace and Love."

There is also a rule that all members must devote a minimum 4 hours a week to servicing the penis (your own or others). 

Makes me wish I had a penis.  However, I would just run around poking everyone with it screaming "WORSHIP MEEEEE!!" and would probably end up arrested...  So, I guess it's for the best.

Anyway...  GO FORTH AND WORSHIP THE PENIS WITH THIS NEW FOUND WISDOM.

You're Welcome ;o)

 

This is not a post on penis printed leggings.

But its cool man, you can still view the leggings right here. And better yet they can be yours for about $150.00. You should know they also are available in shiny. 
Now moving on, we are here to discuss Lauren Cheek founder of Dapper Dicks. He makes costumes for penises. Now If you want to dress up a dick, I say go for it. And I know if these were still available for purchase, poor Eddie wouldn't stand a chance. Val would have an epic battle. Toe Town & Toeville unite for once against Evil Cowboy Cock. We all know this to be a fact.

VS.

Yes, this is Valerie's foot. Now it makes more sense, yes?

But i am a bit grumpy this morning & I really don't like this guy. After this quick video, I have a few points to touch on.

1. This fucker is creepy.

2. How is that hat really going to stay on? I would rather stick a dick into a stocking & pretend its robbing a bank.

3. The sign behind him reads "Designer Wear For Down There". Which makes me think "The mere fact you call it pop pop shows me your just not ready".

4. "Designed for foreplay."  Really?  Because I think I would just say "What the fuck is on your dick? You look ridiculous,  put that fucking thing away now & bring me my whip!"

5. "Girls like to play with dolls and you get some sex out of it". See #1

6. OK can't lie here, I would totally watch a penis puppet show.

7. I am oddly disappointed I can't get Valerie a one size fits all cowboy cock outfit.

8. Pause the video at 1:07

9. Lets make safety & the well dressed dick coincide.  Listen up condom makers, some people want their dick to be all fancy like and wear clothes. Get on that shit.
      *What do we want?
      * Fancier condoms!
      * When do we want them?
      * NOW!

10. Go back and read 9 as if it was Trey Parker or Matt Stone talking. It is much funnier that way.

50 Shades Darker... is the stain in my pants...

Before I start, I must first tell you of a conversation I had with my doctor a few months ago after he did some routine blood work.

Doctor Brown:  Well, Valerie... Everything looks really good.  Except you have pretty high testosterone... for a woman.

Me:  That's really not surprising...

Doctor Brown:  Um... It's still pretty normal.  There's nothing wrong with it.  I just thought you should know.  Why is it not surprising?

Me:  You should see the size of my penis.

Doctor Brown:  .....

Me:  Sorry...  But you kinda had that coming.

So, I literally have a doctor's note that exempts me from liking romance novels.  And that's pretty much what this trilogy is.  Just with more sex.  That being said, I still really liked it.  It took me a little longer to get through because I realized that it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE for me to read this book with PMS.  Seriously... I just get really fucking angry at everything.  

Anyway, let's recap...

Christian... in my mind (and pants)

My choice for Ana

Look at these two... They should fucking date in real life.  I feel like I should make it my life mission for this to happen.

Anyway... Without giving away much of plot, these are my thoughts on book 2:

1. Lots more sex.  It's dirty and naughty and I loved every minute of it.  I tried telling Eddie about it and he responded with "Sounds like a Saturday night at the Nunez house..."  Touche, Mr. Nunez... Touche indeed. 
2. I NEED A PAIR OF SILVER BALLS!!!!!!
3. Other places, besides work, that I should never read this book:  hair salon, dr's office, movie theater line (waiting to see the Avengers of all things!!!), kids dance class waiting room (because it WILL be awkward when other parents walk in with their kids.).
4. I NEED A PAIR OF SILVER BALLS!!!!!
5. I NEED A PAIR OF SILVER BALLS!!!!!!!!

In case you're wondering about the silver balls...  Imagine walking around all day with these in your nether region.  Because Christian made Ana.  And. It. Was. Awesome.

Why Yes, Christian... I will marry you.

 Also, besides the sexy time extravaganza that goes down in this book, the storyline takes a look into Christian's past.  And that did something unthinkable to me after I read the first book...  It made me actually care about Christian... and the relationship between our two lovers.  Well played, James.  Well played indeed.

I will be reading the third book after a quick side venture to Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. (Because how could I not read about a vampire killing ex-president!!!)  I'll give you guys a full report on the last book next month! :o)