Happy Mother's Day, Valerie

In honor of Mother's Day, Eddie & I worked together.  We had Valerie's daughters write why they have the greatest mom ever...

    



Alyssa:
"Mommy is the best mom in the world because she knows how to shoot a bow and knows how to kill zombies. She loves animals and she is awesome. She knows math and she loves Jasmyn and me. I love her so much. That is why mommy is the best mom in the world."

  


Jasmyn:
"Mommy is the best mommy in the world because she is very sweet and cool and awesome. She knows how to shoot a bow and loves everyone. She gives me tuck-tucks. She takes us to Disney and to see haunted houses and she lets me watch scary movies!"



    Valerie, i wish you were my mom. Happy Mother's Day. I love you.

A truly bad day involves getting hit in the face with monkey semen

The highlight of my week was the following story, shared with my by a co-worker...

Back in his high school hayday, my co-worker had a good friend whose dad decided it was a great idea to buy his son a pet spider monkey.  I guess this was during that big "lets all go buy a monkey" craze.  

So adorable. So deadly.

Yea... Monkey purchases rarely end well.  Mostly because they are wild animals and are not meant to be domesticated.  So, as payback, they often become violent.  And sometimes they masturbate into their hands and throw it.

Yes, you read that correctly.  Sometimes they masturbate into their hands and throw it.

Monkeys like blow jobs too...

The monkey in question had a sweet setup in the kid's yard.  A nice fenced enclosure overlooking a sidewalk where people often walked their dogs or enjoyed an afternoon stroll.  Around the age of 2, monkeys reach sexual maturity.  Without having anyone else to bone, they become frustrated.  And we can't very well get it on with a monkey... I'm pretty sure that's how Planet of the Apes started.  

It makes sense.

Well, apparently, our little furry friend decided to take out his frustrations in a very different way.  He would often rub one out into his hand and throw hail Mary's at passing pedestrians.  And sometimes, in true monkey fashion, he would fling poo. 

Do not stand within poo flinging range.

Oh yea.

It got to the point where the dad had so many people showing up at his door covered in monkey dna that he had to get rid of the monkey.  But, unfortunately for him, not many people wanted to buy an angry, splooge throwing monkey.  Though, I would think PETA would have bit on that one.  Why throw paint when monkey semen is SO much more fun!!!  Eventually, the family found a zoo to take the poor little guy in.

Let this be a lesson to us all...  Wild animals make BAD pets!!  They will either try to fuck you or eat you. 

You feeling lucky, Punk

The Avengers movie is the best porno I've ever seen

I just saw The Avengers movie and...

WOW!

Can they put any more sexy people in one movie?!?  JESUS H CHRIST MAN!  This has to be some kind of record.  Let's do a roll call, shall we?

I mean.. GOD DAMN!

Le SIGH!

Yum... YES PLEASE!

Hulk's before picture

I won't lie to you... I would destroy her.

He's got a fucking bow & arrow, guys.  It's like they MADE this movie for ME!!!

Bad. Ass. Mother. Fucker.

I just Jizzed in my Pants, guys.  For Real.

And not only is the eye candy spectacular...  The movie fucking rocked too. The story was solid.  It was funny.  There were explosions and aliens. I mean...

THE FUCKING HULK!!!!!!!!

All I have to say is:

1.  Well played, Hollywood. Well played.  And...

2.  Where is my vibrator?

You better be a American & do your part!

May is National Masturbation Month!

YIPPPIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

   
It is true. It all began back in 1995, thanks to the wonderful people of Good Vibrations. You can find the glorious tale of how this the National Month of ALL National Months came to be HERE, at Good Vibration's website. They also explain all of the benefits of masturbation, in case you needed a reason.
While your there shop around for some of the tools you might need to celebrate Masturbation Month in style. They are offering $5.00 off your order for joining their email list.

the internet helps you get off.

      

Have a Happy Healthy And Safe Masturbation Month!!! ENJOY PEOPLE! Encourage others to do the same. Maybe together we can make May the Happiest Month on Earth. After all this is Christmas for orgasm lovers everywhere! And who doesn't enjoy a good orgasm??

You had to see this one coming....pun intended!

                             
                       


     

Duck Junk

Duck dick is corkscrew shaped & can grow half its body length!!!!!!!! See, you don't want to keep reading but you are...this post is like a train wreck.

HEYYYYYY

                                                                            
Yes it is true, this post is dedicated to the odd world of duck genitalia. You see on Saturday i was put in the strange situation of googling the words DUCK PENIS.  In Fairyland (AKA where i live) we have 3 ducks that wonder around.  Our neighbor told us he saw a worm come out of the ducks butt & go back in. You know typical neighbor conversation. I said "Maybe it was his penis". My neighbor replied, "if that was a penis he is the luckiest man alive" Can't make this stuff up.

Curiosity now had me in its cold arms. I went back inside & googled. What i found was so horrifying, interesting & really incredible i had to share it with all of you.

Duck Penis Fact # 1 : Those things get BIG! A duck dick can grow half it's body length depending on competition. If A male duck is surrounded by male ducks & has to compete for females, its penis will grow  15 to 25 percent longer then males who have no competitors. Interesting....

Duck Penis Fact # 2: It is shaped like a corkscrew. It spirals counter clockwise. I'm sorry there is no other way for me to do this. Because this picture shows examples of fact 1 & 2.

you will never look at a wine opener the same again. 

Ok.... now that we have come this far I am sure you are thinking exactly what I was thinking Saturday evening. What the hell is duck vagina like? Lucky for you my curiosity & I returned to google this time I searched Duck Vagina. Hows that for a Saturday night? Huh? Huh?

Well it turns out Duck Snatchie is even more interesting then Duck Peeshie.

Duck Vagina Fact # 1 : It too is spiraled but clockwise. The plot thickens. Don't worry, there will be pictures.

Duck Vagina Fact # 2:  The duck snatch has boobietraps to keep out unwanted sperm from duck rape. Part of that is the clockwise shape to the males counter clockwise dick. She really has to help him get it in. No, I am not joking this is a fact people.  If you have ever witnessed ducky sex, you already know it is pretty violent. Duck Rape is a common occurrence. The other boobietraps are dead ends known as lateral sacs. Researcher Patricia Brennan explains it best, "If the phallus were to enter one of these sacs, it would not progress further into the oviduct where it would deposit sperm more effectively." 

Who other then Patricia Brennan knew duck junk was so interesting? Now we all do. I will conclude this post with a side by side picture of male & female duckie parts. You're very welcome.

Snatchie on the left Dick on the right

  

Fifty Shades of Naughty, Naughty Sex

Fifty Shades of Sexy Time!

 

I first heard about Fifty Shades of Grey from the lovely ladies at work.  And upon hearing that it was an erotica novel about bondage, I was immediately in! 

Where do I sign up?

For those of you who haven't read it, the book is about an attractive billionaire with a haunted past and a super kinky side who meets a virgin beauty.  The billionaire, Christian Grey, seduces our heroine, Anastasia Steele, with charm, good looks and that bad-boy-with-a-heart-of-gold-who-needs-saving-from-himself thing that us women love so much. 

There was a ton of discussion at work on who would play the lead characters.  Here are our favs:

Henry Cavill as Christian Grey (It was unanimous!!)

The vote for Ana was scattered. But I always pictured Alison Lohan in my head.

My favorite sentence of the whole novel?  "Wow.. I am in awe and slightly daunted by this underwear."  HAHAHAHA!  Just. Wonderful. 

The writing wasn't the best but not horrible.  However, there were a few things that the author, E.L. James, wrote that annoyed the shit out of me.  For instance, she likes to use the term "quickening" to describe Ana's climb towards the big O.  Really??  Maybe it's because I'm a mom, and I'm used to that term describing the movement of the baby.  It just irked me.  Also James, uses the phrase "oh my".  A LOT.  Like... once a page.  If you are a fan of Howard Stern, you may have heard the sound bites of George Takei using this phrase.  It's HILARIOUS when he says it!  You can hear it HERE.  Unfortunately, every time I read it in the book, I would think of this and giggle.  Which can be a bit distracting.

As you may or may not have realized, I have kind of a dominant personality.  I know...  I hide that shit well.  This book made me realize what a god-awful Submissive I would be.  Grey's character is very controlling, and not just in the bedroom.  From what Ana eats to how much she sleeps, Grey wants to be in charge of it all.  I spent most of those scenes rolling my eyes and being annoyed.  Like I said... dominant personality.   I probably would have told him to go fuck himself.  Unless, of course, he looked like Cavill.  Then, you know... Whatever you want..

SIR YES SIR!!!!

So. Blah, Blah, Blah... Let's talk about the sexy time.  And there's a lot of it.

The scenes in the book are pretty fucking hot.  I enjoyed them.  Literally.  My who-ha is sore.  I'm not gonna lie.  Sometimes I would skim through the boring parts to get to the meat and potatoes, so I could take care of business.   

I won't ruin it for you.  You should read it yourself...  But you should know the following before reading:

1. This book may cause you to have a great amount of sex with your significant other...  Much to their enjoyment (and confusion if they have no idea what you're reading).
2. You may totally wear your batteries right the fuck out... Mid fun-time.  So always have back ups.
3.  This is not appropriate reading material for work.  Be forewarned!!!  Should you decide to read this at work, you may get sweaty and have to keep your legs tightly crossed.  The rest of the day will be very uncomfortable.

Most of the sex in this book was just kinky sex, not serious bondage.  I hear there is more actual bondage-type sex in book 2, which I am starting tonight.  I also picked up more batteries for my little friend.  Anyway, I'll let you fuckers know next week.

<3

Valerie

ICEBERG AHEAD!!!!

Well... It's that time of the week again.  We are on the Titanic of the week and Monday is a giant iceberg that will bring us to the bottom of the ocean.  Let us join together and share that floating door.  And not kill Jack... on purpose. (I mean seriously... they barely even fucking tried to both get on the raft.  One god damn try and they give up??  I call bullshit on that!!!) 

It's not fucking rocket science, you fucking morons!

Anyway...  Without further ado we present for your enjoyment...  A video of animals trying to sexy time people with Yakety Sax being played in the background.

Stay strong, people.